During a recent television interview the host asked what I thought the number one challenge facing the American Family today? My response was, “Confusion regarding the time limited nature of the growing up process.”

For most of us it is easy to have children; the challenge is raising them. As almost every parent will admit, raising children is a long-term responsibility, which is seldom accomplished as planned, but the effort to achieve it is one of the most important activities of their lives.

Recently, when I spoke to a group of parents and teenagers about their relationship, I asked the audience what they wanted from each other. The teenagers wanted to be listened to; they wanted concern and respect; and they wanted time and attention from their parents. It’s an obvious truth worth repeating, “If our children don’t feel listened to at home, they will be listened to by their friends, who by default will become an increasing relevant influence over our child’s behavior.”

Parents wanted their children to behave. Parents are often preoccupied with their children’s behavior, which includes school grades, issues of respect for parents, neglect of responsibilities around the home, use of alcohol and other drugs, and early sexual activity. Many parents commented that they were afraid of the influence of others – the peer group. Truest truth? It is the quality of the relationship between the parents and their children that will have the greatest influence, if not undermined by family dynamics.

The most challenging life stage for both parents and children is Adolescence. In seeking a simple, understandable structure for this crucial life stage, we need first to define two basic terms, childhood and adulthood, and draw some careful distinctions.

CHILDHOOD is defined as the time between birth through high school – 18 years of age, when a young person lives under the parental roof and is supported and raised by their parents. During this phase of life – childhood – parents have the right, and responsibility to set limits on the child’s behaviors, ranging from allocation of studying time, to conforming to curfews, to the use of alcohol and other drugs.

ADULTHOOD, as I define it, is reached when the maturing child assumes the financial responsibility for their own support. It is imperative that families plan for the age of 19 as the time at which the child becomes an adult. Should the child upon reaching the age of 19 desire to continue their schooling or seek employment, but have yet to save enough money to live independantly of their parents, then by mutual consent, the parents are encouraged to extend childhood longer until the child can successfully sustain themselves financially. Too many children and their parents go off to college confused that they are now adults and should be extended the privilage of adulthood, while still financially dependant upon their parents. This confusion of when Adulthood begins is a source of continual conflict between children/adolescence and their parents.

ADOLESCENCE chronologically extends from ages of 12 through 18. A short transitional period of academic, biological, emotional, social and intellectual elements which young people struggle bravely and often desperately to piece together. I am convinced the major tension between children and their parents is due to the failure in understanding that adolescence belongs to late childhood, not early adulthood.

LATE ADOLESCENCE, ages 15-18, is an intense time between freedom and responsibility, and the clumsy integration between personal, and peer-centered influences, and the traditional values of their family. The goal of the late adolescent period is the same for both parents and children: To do all that can reasonably be done to help the growing child acquire the skills, including educational, interpersonal, and self-mangement skills, which will maximize the young person’s ability to function as a productive independant adult by age 19, or extend childhood until such skills are acquired. There are no adults financially dependant upon their parents.

Children learn to become adults by understanding, accepting and working within reasonable rules for behavior, including participation in a family life, and avoidance of alcohol and other drug use.

The wise and effective parent not only enforces necessary rules and worthwhile values; he or she helps the child see beyond them to the working principles, which underpin them. Children become adults when parents parent. These important distinctions may help.