If you have trouble reading other people you may find yourself confessing at some later date,  “I wish I had known then what I know now?”  Read this outloud, “It was knowable then, where were you?”

Lasting and fulfilling relationships have this in common, true information.  The more reliable the information, the less likely we will later say, “ I wish I had known then what I know now.”  Wouldn’t you agree,  some people are as easy to read as a car wash flyer?  Do you think you are easy to read?  Whatever answer you gave, don’t be so sure.

Learning to read people triggers healthy curiosity.  I recommend learning the skill of seeing with your ears or listening with your eyes?

I received two-email questions recently.  Sharon writes:  “I hear you discuss the need to conduct a sober interview during the dating period.”  Q. “What prevents us from seeing the obvious and avoiding unnecessary mistakes?  What makes us blind?”  A.  Unmet needs.  When you need the relationship to work, you may turn a blind eye to the truth designed to save you later potential problems.  The wise axiom promises: The worse you want it, the worse you’ll likely get it.

Gene writes, Q.  “You mentioned that dating is an interview.  How does one learn to better interview?  I have been dating this lady for over 5 years.”  A.  Gene, honestly I think many people after 5 years aren’t dating, they are loitering.  People may still be interviewing, but more likely, they don’t know how to close.

I have enjoyed a rather privileged position as a psychotherapist over 30 years.  I have listened to thousands of confessions, been privy to the story behind the story and witnessed countless people come to terms with issues in their lives.  I observed the single most important factor in the ultimate success of any self- improvement, or personal growth program is an individual’s commitment to understanding oneself.  Remember, what we fail to learn about ourselves, we fail to understand about others.  And what we do not understand about others, we fail to know about the world in general.

In the process of learning to read a relationship, we must grow alert to the more subtle signs.  We must not only learn to see the handwriting on the wall, but read between the lines.  Many relationships are complicated texts.  Instead of learning a few speed-reading techniques, some people settle for a glance at the book cover.  If you find yourself trapped in a series of unfulfilling dead-end relationships that turned out in the end to be nothing they promised to be at the beginning, pay close attention, and turn down the noise around you.  Every dream date that turns into a nightmare displayed early red flags and warning signals you missed, reframed or denied.  If you agree say, AMEN.

Knowing I was preparing this article, I asked a number of people to provide me (you) interviewing tips they either employed while dating – interviewing – or wished they had known at the time.  Here’s their contribution:

INTERVIEWING TIPS

John….Become proactively aware of all that takes place in a relationship

Monica…Question what you do not understand or disrespect

Carrie…Avoid the temptation to gloss over what you don’t understand

James….Resist rationalizing or making excuses for another’s behavior

Monica…After asking a question, step back and observe the other person’s answer

Carrie…Mark or flag confusing or problematic parts of the relationship for later discussion

Frank…As a policy, don’t default to giving people the benefit of the doubt

You have to agree these people are sharing some remarkable insights.  When you stop and consider that insight is pain turned inside out, you realize that maturity is learned not granted by age.