The most important part of life is living. And the most valuable day of your entire life is today. The value of today is exceedingly high because you have waited all your life for this day. If you are 57 years old, you’ve waited 57 years for this day, today. Life is not what’s to come; it’s here, today. What is the quality of your today, the only time you have to live?

How many days do you think the average person lives? According to the National Vital Statistics of the CDC (Center for Disease Control), and other think tanks we know the following:

Females live an average of 81.2 years (29,638 Todays)

Males live an average of 76.4 years (27,886 Todays)

Average of the two equals 78.8 years (28,762 Todays)

Debbie, 57 years old, has already lived 20,805 – todays. If the Average life expectancy is 78.8 years (28,762 todays – Debbie’s 20,805 yesterdays) Debbie has 7,957 todays left. Each of you reading this article is encouraged to do your own math.

Assuming you could predict the last today of your life, and also assuming you are of sound mind and body when that last today comes, what would you prefer – another hour of television, another compliment, another dollar, or another today? A practical suggestion to living life to its fullest is to slow down, turn off the technology for just a while, breath deep and pause until you understand the incredible gift of your today.

How many tries do we have left to get it right?

We all woke up in this place called today. And many of us will be given 28,762 tries to get today right. And some of us have only a little over 7,000 chances left.

Here’s today’s recommendation. Trouble is what we introduce into our lives in the form of stress, which we put on ourselves, and each other while denying any responsibility. Stop blaming others for ruining your today. It’s your responsibility to protect your today. Do with it as you wish, but stop blaming external reasons or others for how you allow your today to be spent. If the truth were known, you choose how you spend this rare and precious gift, and with whom you share it. It is your decision, and decisions have consequences. Don’t leave the most important thing in your life today to the responsibility or care of others.

People often lament wishing they could change the past. I believe you can change the past, and here’s how. What is today tomorrow? Yesterday, which is the past. If you get busy and change your todays, you will have changed your tomorrows, which becomes the past. Honestly, if you start today fulfilling your own life, and encourage and support others in doing the same, you’ll stop wasting your limited allotment of todays, and whatever you have left in your account will be enough!

I’ve often commented, “I wished people would come to therapy on the best todays of their lives instead of the worst.” Why? “So we could understand what we were doing that contributed to today being it’s best, and commit to continuing to practice the same.”

The prospect of being content, joyful, or satisfied today is within our grasp. A pleasant countenance is an internal massage we provide for our self.

Commit your today to being your best by becoming more aware of how your life impacts the world around you, triumph over your weaknesses, and learn to trust yourself so you don’t fear the truth. The weaknesses we cannot accept in ourselves make us vulnerable and defensive which contributes to stress. Understand your defenses are the blind spots in your journey in becoming your best. Evolving into your best self takes courage especially at first when there is more to concede.

Today is your entire life. What will you do with it? Consider carefully, what you choose to do with today may well become your legacy. It makes little difference why you did what you did. In the end it matters only that you used the precious gift of today in the manner you chose.

Do your own math!

The tragic recent events of Robin William’s life cause us to pause and realize, those that often entertain us are not entertained. Robin gave us all the things he would have wanted to have for himself. He was comic relief, but he was not relieved.

The 1947 Frank Capra Classic, It’s A Wonderful Life, a movie fantasy, is the story of a small-town banker whose attempt at suicide is foiled by his guardian angel.  Frustrated, the banker laments that the world would be a better place if he had never been born.

This gives the guardian angel (named Clarence) an idea.  With a nod of his head, he announces to the banker, “You’ve been given a great opportunity – a gift – to see what the world would be like if you had never been born.”

The message of this film is dramatically timely owing to the tragic ending of Robin William’s life. It’s A Wonderful Life reminds us that each life is connected in one manner or another to every other life. And as John Donne said so long ago, “No man is an island.” We are reminded that everything that exists is accounted for – every hair on our head is numbered, nothing is valueless or irrelevant. The existence of each and every one of us is intentional and important.

Because our world is so big and our universe so vast, it may seem sometimes that no single life can be all that valuable. Yet, precisely because our world is so big and needy, each life becomes all the more important. Our lives have unique significance.

Life has a way of preparing each of us specifically for our role in grand scheme of existence. If we were all as useless, insignificant and replaceable as we sometimes believe, how could the grandeur of the greater good ever be realized? Without you and me, who would sow the seeds, turn the soil, water the seedlings and encourage the growth?

Consider Two Thoughts

1. Ponder how your life was enhanced by some significant “other” – a parent, sibling, teacher, coach, neighbor or family relative.  Their contributions to your life continue to shape you in invisible ways.  Consider how your life would have been different had they never been born.  As people contribute to your life, they return a portion of the sacrificial investment others made for them.
2. Consider how the lives of others would be altered if you had never been born.  Each person makes a direct or indirect impact upon the lives of those they contact.  Who would not be here today if you did not exist?  What impact have those you raised had upon the lives of others?  How much suffering would not have been relieved?  What work was accomplished that would not have been done in the same way that you accomplished it?  Don’t minimize your uniqueness.

In the movie, It’s A Wonderful Life, Clarence had only advanced to the rank of “Angel, Second Class.”  However, he offered this first-class summation:  “Each person’s life touches so many lives that when he or she isn’t around, it leaves quite a hole.”

As you reflect on the turns your life has taken in the past year, perhaps it’s time to give some thought to the ways you can directly contribute to the lives of others.

For example, you contribute to another’s life when you:

…learn to overcome what troubles you.

…become increasingly more mature, disciplined and accountable.

…become an inspiration to others as they witness your change.

…reach out in meaningful support to others.

…teach others, who ask, what you have learned.

…support the efforts of others who make an effort to support you.

In a variety of ways, you make indirect contribution to the lives of people you may not even know.

 

“Reality, what a concept.” Robin Williams

Charles Steinmetz was known as the “Electrical Wizard” at General Electric during the early days of the twentieth century. On one occasion after his retirement when the other engineers at GE were utterly baffled by the breakdown of a complex machine, they asked Steinmetz if he would come back and pinpoint the problem. Steinmetz spent several minutes walking around the machine, then took a piece of chalk and made a cross mark on one particular piece of equipment. To their amazement, it turned out to be the precise location of the breakdown.

A few days later GE received a bill from Steinmetz for $10,000, a staggering sum in those days for a few moments’ work. They returned the bill to him with a request that he itemize it. He did:

Making an X $1.00

Knowing where to put it… $9,999.00

The ability to diagnose and knowing where “X marks the spot” has always been a rare and precious gift. Few things are more futile than people who try to make corrections or changes without a proper diagnosis. Knowing how to diagnose, knowing where to place the X, is rarely complicated to the one who knows the truth. For the most part, it involves a willingness to pay deep attention. The real masters of “X marks the spot” are the “Self-Diagnosers.”

History is replete with moments in which efforts at self-diagnosis – exercising powers of awareness, assuming personal responsibility, and a commitment to making corrections or changes when and where necessary – was recognized as the hallmark of maturity. People would daily examine their lives in light of an internalized standard be it the Ten Commandments, the Seven Deadly Sins, or a quote from the Readers Digest.

Michael Mahoney, in Human Change Processes, writes that three great questions lie at the heart of every notion of psychotherapy. Can humans change? Can humans help humans change? And are some forms of help better than others? These are not just therapeutic questions; they should be the deep concerns of every parent, employer, or average Joe and Jorgena who desires to make a difference.

In my daylong seminar, “Planning The Rest of Your Life,” I request people write out their eulogies. Eulogies are what people say about us after we have lived out our lives. Once written, these eulogies were to be thought of as templates – boundaries  – within which people could safely conduct their lives. Once you know what you want people to say or think about you – “X marks the spot” – live out your eulogy.

The following autobiography presents as a profound diagnostic tool for self-examination. Read it aloud frequently, and acknowledge in which chapter you are presently stuck. Even though there is no cure in diagnosis, telling on your self, thus saving others the burden, still makes the top ten lists for the best gift you can give another.

“Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”

By Portia Nelson from There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk

Chapter I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

The interpersonal world in which you are presently engaged is looking for a few good people who know where to place the X. To that end, I promise to provide you with more than the chalk in each of the Therapy Story Blogs.

In last month’s article, I reconfirmed there were no better minds than yours; and that it is not safe to assume otherwise in light of fall-out in confidence surrounding the loss of Malyasian Flight 370.

In today’s article I want to set the record straight about some of the misunderstanding surrounding who can you trust. I have always thought it best to trust no one. As odd as that might seem, what you are about to uncover by reading this article is an essential truth you have known, but didn’t trust about trust. The confusion and thus the challenge with trust are with whom to be vulnerable? Whom can you trust? The very nature of the question concedes you to be a poor judge of character. By asking the question – “With whom can I trust?” – you admit the following.  “I am not a good judge of people. My friends say I can trust you, but can I?  I don’t know whether to believe you when you suggest I can, or my friends when they say I should?” Question –

What do you need to know in order to be able to trust? 

My advice is to learn to trust yourself to know whom to trust. This shift in logic empowers you not others. Never again will you have to concern yourself with the risk of giving other people, even members of your own family, the benefit of the doubt. Once you learn to trust yourself to know how to interview, raise questions about any doubt you experience, you will never again worry about whom to trust because you have learned to trust yourself. Self-trusting in your ability to be discerning, and, therefore, no longer vunerable with others.

Observant, you learn that people frequently leak, unknowingly revealing their hidden agendas to the confident observer and student of others. Now armed with the ability to ask questions that begged to be asked, and speak your doubt when you feel it, you are no longer vulnerable to what people want you to believe. You can no longer be manipulated because you are no longer manipulatable. You have rescued confrontation from its aggressive reputation and now embrace it as an artful way of interviewing by asking questions and expressing a point of view.

The following interviewing skills will empower your confidence in trusting yourself not others. In trusting yourself, you do not need people to be any way in particular.  People can now be who they are because you will know them sooner, not later, having acquired the art of interviewing. You see people for who they are; you do not need them to be trustworthy.  Gone are the days of cheap trust when you naively believed in people because to do otherwise would be impolite. Polite is no longer at your expense.

Learn the Lessons of Interviewing Others and You Will Begin to Trust Yourself

1. Learn to trust your suspicion. If you feel any doubt about what anyone is telling you, express it at once.

2. Ask to have repeated what you do not understand. “Will you please repeat that?” Step back and observe whether they gloss over the critical details you want explained. If you don’t understand what they are saying, and they can’t explain it any more clearly, it probably doesn’t make sense. Question – Who is the benefactor of your confusion? Stop blaming yourself for not understanding, and stop giving others the benefit of the doubt. It is an important principal to understand everything people tell you. The part you don’t understand is where you are vulnerable.

3. People you should avoid can be discovered by the wake of disturbances they leave behind. If you trust yourself to pay attention you will find there is often controversy around people you need to avoid. Most of these people have a rehearsed explanation for their past history.

4. Let your suspicion be raised when others use pressure or leverage on you. Don’t be persuaded to rush. Anything worth doing can wait until you have time to think. Time is their enemy and your friend.

5. Be aware of the most complimentary praise and appreciation of others. Observe whether other’s praise serves their purposes or yours.

6. Know your vulnerabilities better than others do. People to avoid play on your vulnerabilities.

7. There are only three responsibilities you owe anyone:

• Tell the Truth
• Keep Your Word
• Be on Time

8. Learn to be responsible to others not for them. How people interpret your intentions or are affected by your honesty is not your responsibility. Question – Who benefits from you feeling guilty?

9. If people speak critically or abusively do the counterintuitive thing by asking them to repeat what was just said.  Once people realize you are monitoring the conversation they will correct their speech if they respect you. If they don’t correct what they have said or the manner in which they said it, trust they mean to hurt you.

 

In the shadow of the mysterious events surrounding Malaysian Flight 370, we would do well to remember the discomforting truth in what Helen Keller discovered and wrote:

{ The idea of } “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

Everything about living involves an element of risk and the commitment to trust. These twin towers will never be destroyed. If either challenges you, I promise to write more in my future articles about risking and the ability to, and meaning of trust. But for now let’s review what we’ve learned about security. We have all been raised and comforted with the beliefs that better, smarter, wiser minds than ours are watching over things to keep us safe. They formulate our medications, properly adjudicate our crimes, lawfully watch over our investments as they would their own, represent us in government, collect only relevant information in defense of our country, and most recently, fly us to our destination surrounded by the most advanced technology. We further comfort ourselves in believing if something untoward happens, smarter minds than our will work cooperatively together and protect our interests. In the words of Walt Disney, “Welcome to fantasyland.”

The events of Malaysian Air 370 have revealed several realities, some we knew, and some this seasoned international traveler never had any idea until now:

• Transponders can be manually turned off in flight at the whim of the pilot

• Pilots at will can permanently turn off the oxygen to the passenger compartment

• Passengers know less about their pilots than someone in the next lane on the freeway

• The cost of advance aviation can be reduced by ordering lower qualities of surveillance software and tracking technology making it more difficult to find us once we leave our schedule course of flight

• Cockpit voice recordings of pilots conversations have been limited to 30 minutes in favor of pilots privacy secured through lobbying by Airline Pilots Association

• In the advent of a rogue crew who chooses to go zombie, autonomous, non-cancelling satellite uplinking technology to replace black boxes still fails to be installed in modern aircraft as a cost cutting measure, only to require spending 10,000 times more searching for those boxes in the now famous 40 country, 34 ships and hundreds of aircraft “Needle in the Haystack” recovery

• Just because a company or country can afford advance aviation technology doesn’t mean they know how to manage, maintain, or recover it

• Just because you have allies and friends doesn’t mean they will fully cooperate with you

• Two year old stolen passports are valid at some international airports

I’m sure I’m overlooking other horrible facts. Am I the only one? The details coming out of this tragedy make me more than angry, they require me to think ten times over how I go about my airline travel and what is sure to be new citizen group’s demand of airplane manufactures and airlines. For now, if a USA carrier isn’t flying there neither am I.

1500 years ago people told us the earth was the center of the universe.  A little over 500 years ago people told us the earth was flat.  Somebody, maybe you, came up with the idea that food was a friend, a reward, or a comfort.  Many of us still believe ice cream tastes good.  Ignorance continues to this day to masquerade as knowledge.  What we believe could actually be destroying our very quality of life.  Here’s the challenge:

When we were young, each of us had a need to be told, “Don’t be selfish. Children should be seen and not heard. You are special. People won’t like you if…” What our families told us had a very powerful and shaping effect. Many of us today do more than remember what we were told. Too many of us believe what we remember to a fault. The lives we live today, the decisions we make, the risks we take or don’t, even the relationships we choose or regret choosing, remain as living testimonies to so many early influences of what we were taught to believe.

Part of what it means to grow up and become mature is to possess the freedom, perhaps the courage not to believe everything our families taught us. Rather than blindly following to a fault every precept or admonition, growing up requires us to review, challenge and if necessary, correct some of the ideas and perceptions that have gone into making us the people we are today.

Don’t believe everything they told you just to be obedient or to avoid conflict. Believe only that which makes sense or has been proven by inquiry to be true. A previous call to my radio broadcast illustrates the point well. The call began with this challenge, “Say something positive about religion; I’m an unbeliever.” My response was that there are no unbelievers. Everyone believes something. I went on to ask the caller, “What is it that you believe about religion? I have a suspicion that whatever it is you believe, it is in the way of you believing something else.”

For many of us today, lessons learned decades before continue to shape our perspectives.

Your family of origin did not own the corner on truth. As we grow in maturity, we may discover many of the beliefs our parents taught us were faulty. At best our parents were deceived because they failed to question the actions or attitudes of others they didn’t understand. At worst, our families conceived ideas as a means of controlling unacceptable impulses living within them. The strength of their insistence by precept or example may have made believers out of us. Do we now believe what is true, or what we have been persuaded to believe is true? And how can we know the difference without exposing what we believe to cross-examination?  No influence can be so trusted as to justify the “innecessity” of learning to ask questions and raise suspicions as appropriate for understanding.

As a clinician over the past thirty-six years, I have exhumed and collected a number of false beliefs, metaphorical bone fragments from the psyches of people I sought to help. I included a small sampling of false beliefs in this story to illustrate how common, and thereby, unrecognizable they are. You may never have thought to challenge such beliefs because they are so commonly ingrained in our day-to-day existence as to be invisible.

Take the time required to examine the following faulty beliefs. For greater impact, read them aloud, and then observe your response to learning the truthful alternative.

False Beliefs & Truthful Alternatives:

 

F.B. 1. There’s no one I can trust.

T.A. 1.  Trusting others is made all the more unnecessary when you learn to trust yourself to know who to trust.

 

F.B.  2.  No one is there for me.

T.A.  2.  Some people are there sometimes for some things, rarely everyone all the time for everything.

 

F.B.  3.  People just don’t understand.

T.A.  3.  The worst that can be said is that others understand differently.

 

F.B.  4.  There is a way to say what needs saying so others won’t misunderstand.

T.A.  4.  Say what needs saying, how people interpret what I say is not my responsibility.

 

F.B.  5.   The longer I suffer the more it proves that what I care about matters.

T.A.  5.  Long suffering proves faulty emotional management.

 

F.B.  6.  Life doesn’t make sense.

T.A.  6.  If I find the proper context, life makes sense sometimes the sense of non-sense.

 

F.B.   7.  In order succeed in life you need to be extremely disciplined.

T.A.   7.  Success with anything in life depends upon effective strategies not mere discipline.

 

F.B.  8.  Don’t set your hopes too high.

T.A.  8.  There is as much hope in the world proportionate to the responsibility you are willing to assume.

These are merely example of the faulty beliefs that continue to control our lives.  I invite you to make your own list of your commonly reoccurring false beliefs.  I further encourage you to dig deep enough to exhume the truth that whispers so quietly close to your own ear.

May you have the courage to risk for more truthful alternatives.