Last month, a New York court decided a case, Marshall v. Cassano, providing further legal precedence on less emotional grounds the legal characterization of an engagement ring, and the appropriate rules governing its ownership.

John Marshall gave another woman, Delores Cassano, an $8,000 engagement ring.  Delores, in turn, promised to marry John.  John eventually broke off his engagement to Delores.  The New York court applied a Contract Theory upon the issuance of the engagement ring.  The ring is seen as consideration, a thing of value given in exchange to create a contract.  The bride is agreeing to an option contract, that is with the ring, the gift giving fiancé buys the right to marry his fiancée in the future.  She in turn promises to marry him.

Characterizing the ring exchange as an option contract on the right to marry in the future suggests that the jilted bride should not have to give back the ring.  After all, the ring-giver got what he paid for – the option to marry a particular woman who reordered her life and career in anticipation that if he did not opt out of the contract the two would be married.   She made good on her promise to marry by remaining open to the possibility; it was he who chose not to exercise the option.  Conclusion, according to the Court of New York – bride retains the consideration – the engagement ring in question.

For whatever it is worth this is what the New York Court of Law considers a legal opinion.  However, if one has to explore the legal options to understand proper etiquette, then one is already compassionately bankrupt causing others to question whether an adequate explanation could ever be found.

[quote style=”boxed”]I have decided not to move forward with our engagement, and when in the US, I’ll come over to get the ring.[/quote] Many years ago, I was privy to a similar unfortunate case of consideration default.   The jilted fiance was a woman, although equally as many men feel the guillotine of desmemberment when an engagement ends.  Most endings involve some element of shock and despair, depending on how sharp the blade.  Some guillotines fall so slowly one can hear the end of the relationship approaching.  To my unsuspecting maiden, the promise of the future life was severed without as much as a suspicion, a two line email, not as much as a call. She knew she deserved better. The email read, “I have decided not to move forward with our engagement, and when in the US, I’ll come over to get the ring.”

After literally picking herself off the floor, which for an extended time served as her mourning bed, she rose to deliver a searing speech for herself and those posthumusly served by her eloguence.

“Dear Sir for this engagement to you, I compromised my professional career, making  myself unavailable to any further personal and/or professional opportunities. I traveled at considerable physical and emotional expense to join you wherever you were in the world.  I became conversant in a new culture, I invested countless months of relationship building with your family, friends, colleagues, professional and personal staff because what was important to you was growing important to me.  On your part, you induced me into a more intimate relationship by promises and commitment of a future together, and I made serious efforts to integrate our respective families.  My engagement to you meant that much. In exchange, I accepted your proposal of marriage, which you retracted eight months later in a two-lined email breaking more than my engagement.   Now I am back home after having traveled 18,000 miles to retrieve the life I had relocated in exchange for a promise, I am left to process all that passed so suddenly in an otherwise innocent email.

You asked me as I came to retrieve my life, “had I brought the ring?” I said no.  I should have said not only did I not bring the ring with me, but I also forgot to prepare a considered response to a question I never in my wildest imagination believed you were capable of asking. My first loss was over my dream of being forever with you.  My second, perhaps more profound loss occurred as the days passed with no response from the person I considered my best friend.  Two lines in an email with no follow up contact for days?  I always felt safe with you.  Suddenly I didn’t.  Eventually, even my devotion eroded under the deafening silence removing the last romantic blinders from my adoring gaze.”

I met my heroine years later.  A fortutious passing comment assured me the solice I needed in knowing she healed without bitterness.  Without speaking she assured me the wisdom of matured experience reduces the idea of security to a supersition.  The truth we all share is that life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing much.  She never married.